Happy 2015!
Ok, the last time I wrote to this crappy thing was something
like 2 years ago and I tried rereading everything to see it like a ‘throwback’
or something but it doesn’t work. It’s ridiculous! I sounded like a teenager
rather than a grown up man on that. I literally wrote so many unnecessary
thoughts which are wrong in the first place. I mean the thoughts are just wrong
and I wrote it to be read(by me of course) just to realize how stupid and
childish I was before. Fortunately, I have a new year’s resolution, well not
really but I figured something I will implement all my life and that is not to
regret something that happened in the past if that made me happy at some point.
In that case sharing my stupid thoughts at that time made me happy and somewhat
stronger so I don’t regret that, but I have the right to criticize myself before
and it is indeed ridiculous. like seriously I do that before? Well, I think
that’s a good thing, it means I grew right?
Today is different, well not really, for some reason I
resorted back to writing this pathetic ‘letters to no one’ because for the same
reason I had before I have no one to share my important thoughts right now and
not only that, I want to record it when it is still fresh in my mind. It’s like
reporting the news right after the event happened and for that reason the facts
are less distorted.
How do I start, Ok two days from now I’m going to Manila to
do some errands for someone. It’s hard to explain but as you can see I’m in a
big scheme of things. Imagine the life of a secret agent on an undercover spy movie,
I’m not the undercover agent of course, I’m the friend of the undercover agent.
If you don’t understand I was actually trying to imply something or someone of
less importance than the main characters on the movie. I feel so down and
unimportant sometimes that I think I’m not the main character even in my own
life story. Ok fine, I know I am and I have to think that I’m the one. To cut
the chase I’ve been thinking so many things in my mind in the past months that
my mind exploded and sent all the memories everywhere out and left some stuffs
inside it and I think it’s for the good. Haha. Life is tough and yes it’s tough
and there’s no other word I could describe it. The problem is no matter how
tough it is I don’t have someone to share my thoughts to, and no intention either,
everybody is just busy with their own life and I don’t want to bother anyone.
Let me describe you how I handle my problems. Before I start
talking, I just want to remind everyone that I know what a ‘problem’ is and
when I say problem it really means problem and not just some random thoughts
that is not even a problem. I’m a very stoic and rational individual and unless
I find sense on something I usually disregard it as stupid and that includes thoughts
and worries in my head that doesn’t make any sense. More importantly I don’t cry
(I talk more on that later), I find it disturbing because it doesn’t make any
difference and I doubt if it will solve any problem. Like, crying? How is that
a solution into anything? Unfortunately, because of some weird circumstances(I
said earlier I’m not in control of things) I cried and not the usual mini tears
in the bathroom which I do to express my sadness in some severe circumstance
but I cried in front of my dad. I hate myself so much for doing that. Not only
that I showed my weakness but I showed how weak I am in things I already knew.
I hope I don’t sound so anti-weak and stoic right now, but I believe in the strength
in anyone who faces problems in life. Like, come on, man up and do something
about it. I think that’s my stand on that.
Ok, I did mention I cried in front of my dad. That’s bad and
ridiculous, but I already moved on and I’m not thinking about it anymore. I
also realized some good aspects of dad that I wish to emulate. First of all, I
never think there’s any good aspect in dad because he’s a very stubborn person
and always is. However, dad’s resilience is one of the greatest I’ve ever seen
for any person of his type. Well, not really but he’s really resilient and
almost stoic despite all the bad things that happened. I don’t know where he
got it and I don’t even think he realizes that. I just think it’s a good
attitude I want to implement that on myself and I know I will. Ok, enough said.
One more thing, I texted her just this time and she’s the
only person that knows my bad experiences right now. It’s not such a big deal
but it really relaxes my load a bit. The fact there’s someone who understands
what I’ve been through right now though unfortunately I can’t really share my
problems with her. I don’t think it can make a difference and I just told her
it’s nothing really serious so that she won’t think outside the box and worry
about anything.
What else can I say? I’ve read some blogs just recently and
I won’t disclose what it is all about but it is indeed about a person’s strive
on something no matter what happens. I already stopped reading it but only now
I remember its implications in my life. I don’t think there’s anything that I
experienced already that can still move me from where I’m sitting right now.
Ok, that’s obviously a metaphor because I’m obviously sitting in a computer
chair and that’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is that no challenges
on the magnitude of everything I already experienced can give me goosebumps
like the way I experienced everything the first time. But I’m not putting my
guards down I know life continues and it can be really nasty but at least I
already have the idea what’s going on and how to handle it better. Sooner or
later things will be better and all of this will be a memory. Obviously, not a
very good one. lol
PS: I reread everything from supernumerous and I enjoyed it.
I don’t think my writing is really that bad. It’s reasonably good and
justified. I actually think this letter is the bad one. lol
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