Birthday Gift

A day before my birtday I received the worst gift ever. Well, it wasn't something unexpected,  it's more like a realization of past fears. I dislike that feeling actually, when you fear for something yet you can't do anything about it. You just can't prevent it from happening beforehand, and you can't do anything to defend yourself from all its negative effects. What  actually happened is that my friends or colleagues i say were given a chance to achieve something while I was stripped off that chance. I expected this to happen from the start, know about it and I prepared my emotions about it a little. It's too uncomfortable when people around are having the joy of their lives while you're saddened by your own faith. Life is too unfair, it just doesn't make any sense.

20 years

In less than three days from now I’ll be having my 20^th Birthday. Right now I’m still savoring the last minutes of my teen years. For this post let me tell you a glimpse of my life and how I enjoyed and wasted it during the last 19 years. I was born on December the 4^th of 1992, such a very normal day but probably one of my mom and dad’s happiest days on earth. From that date up to the present, it was a roller-coaster event that happened very fast and non-stop. Life as we know is full of surprises, joys, and mishaps. Life for me is something not necessarily enjoyed but something lived. Happiness is not an assurance, living is and as humans we’re obliged by God to live every minute of it in the fullest manner. Well, before I start preaching like a pastor, my life like most people can be well described but not necessarily exciting and worth documenting. I can say I lived a fruitful life but not a necessary fulfilling one, even until now I still can’t say if I already reached everything that I dreamed of. I’m not on identity crisis but somehow I just can’t straightly define my goals, my aspirations, and my desires. Probably it’s because there are a lot of them and I can’t name a specific one.

I was brought up (by my parents of course) just like any kid was supposed to be brought up. It was not until high school that my parents pressured me to perform well in school, so unlike my siblings I enjoyed a relatively easy elementary school life. Nevertheless, I still performed reasonably well in school (which I don’t consider an achievement) partly because I studied in a school with low standards. Being a kid, I remember having some friends albeit at fewer numbers because of my inborn introvert behavior. I remember having a best friend every now and then. After my smooth elementary years, I entered high school leaving my past behind (not literally). High school for me is not the best part but it sure is a well defining part of my personality. It is the time when I started defining myself and differentiating myself from others. I used to be criticized during the past, but as I mature and started to be more reasonable I started to build my own character unique from others. Even by rehashing now I see my high school years as a very long chapter of my life. Entering College overturned everything, for me high school is a distant playground compared to college. I went to different world with a different environment and that is as abrupt as being in heaven one day and being in hell the next day. Still I endured and it helped me shape into what I am now.

I don’t consider myself right now to be a completely hardy individual ready to face more of life’s challenges. To be honest I think a lot still has to be done to improve myself. Right now I can’t define my state. I know I’d be a liar if I say I’m living a happy life, but I’ll be too insensitive if I’d say I’m living the worst life knowing that many people there barely go on everyday living. Three days from now it will just be a normal day, I know it is.

The Price of Change

When I was young, me and my family always go out of town some 60 km away from the city. Not a very big number in distance terms, but when you live in a city(I grew up and spent all my life in a city) 'every kilometer away from the city makes a difference'. That's very true especially when you live in  a big city, once you're out you get alienated by what you see outside. It's like a different dimension, but just a mere 60 kilometers away. 

But in my case, that gap is now starting to close rapidly as the city and the province 60 kilometers apart are starting to converge at least physically. Back when I was young, my grandmother used to tell stories  about how time has changed. She often mentioned situations before which are quite unbelievable for me, like living a life without electricity, having almost no food, the ultra-conservative lifestyle of people, and even the absence of roads and vehicles when they were young and living in the so-called province. The province she used live when she was younger is now virtually unrecognizable from what she described it as what it used to be. Now, people have the luxury of what city-dwellers have, such as appliances, gadgets, telephones, and even the internet. The young ones listen to music and follow the trends and behavior of what city-dwellers have.

Most older people which are most likely conservative tend to view social change in any form as negative.  Whether it produces generally good results, people tend to have a negative view about change. We often remember times as what it used to be; like playing with our friends outside when there's no class tomorrow, spending unlimited time in the phone, spending fruitful vacation on the province with our cousins every summer, and so on. As we grow up we see changes all around, people no longer play outside and tend to lean on online or video related games, people no longer use the phone like what it used to be and have IM or Skype instead, and vacations are diminishing in favor of summer classes and related stuff.

Technology and differing lifestyles are the most common pointed culprit of all of these changes, that if you look at it in a broad dimension. But in reality change is everywhere, every minute and every instance. Change is as frequent as seeing someone today and not seeing him tomorrow. The only sad thing is that, we are more likely not to notice these small changes until it starts to pile up in front of us. It's like losing a coin, at first it's almost unnoticeable but as more coins start missing in every passing time you start noticing you lost quite a number of money. Another example of this is slowly losing a friend, at first he starts getting different of what he always used to be but you tend to view him as the same person  like what he always is. However, as time passes by the differences start to get noticeable and you can no longer connect to him like what it used to be. Then, you lose him.

The main reason why people have a negative view on change and thus see the price of change negatively is because our minds tend to rehash good old times and compare it with our current situations. Good or bad, the current situation is always viewed as precarious by human beings. I don't know why but they have some negative connotation on it. But in reality, like nothing has changed, how things change is not totally bad; just different. When you lose a friend, you gain another opportunity of meeting other people and getting close to other people. Something that you miss when you're too pre-occupied with your past friend. When children nowadays no longer play games you used to do when you were younger, they find something else that is more trendy and thus suits them. Who cares? if that's what enjoys them, so let them. 

I often hear people, and even my past colleagues about how things used to be before. We enjoy rehashing good old times and laugh about past mistakes and hardships. Some thoughts as crazy as having a time capsule and try to go back in time for just a day or a week starts coming-in in an instant. I try to tell them about this, but whatever... i'm not a psychologist, can't explain then neither.

Dorm=Hell

There are no traces of my presence since my last post, I'm back at our dormitory which is literally a few steps from our school.I don't know if you actually call it a 'school', it doesn't feel like one to me. The internet is fairly sporadic in here, not that it doesn't exist entirely but it's unreliable; I can't download, watch videos, movies, or etc. 

Unfortunately, we are not allowed to go home for this weekend. I don't know why, but I'm sure the reason is too trifle and not worth mentioning. All i know is that we're not allowed to go home and see our family, period. Going home is not a necessity for me. I have a lot of things that makes me busy in here. There's the laptop(man's new best friend), movies, and some activities that can make you pre-occupied for the mean time until the day's over.

The main reason why i want to go home is that i want to make an escape out of this hell. Did i just mention hell? no, the dormitory is not hell. It has everything you need; food, water, shelter, and education just in close proximity. 

Well, there must be a reason why people tend to associate it with hell.  The reason is I won't be telling you. It's just too complicated.  But, let's just put it this way, when you're staying in a place for too long and you see people's faces, just the same faces 24/7, no matter how emotionally intact you are you'd always feel bored and you want something new. Not that I want to stay just in our house 24/7, but somehow it's nice to be in other places one at a time and not stuck in one place all the time. Yes, I really did use the term 'stuck' for my situation now.

the new layout

Just as it appears that I won't be posting again and this blog will go on to waste, I'm back and I actually spiced up my layout a bit. It's ugly(it's too sophisticated for me) and i was supposed to change it to another but i got tired browsing through the internet, so here it goes. I don't think I'll be changing it fast, but I'll try and  find a better one.

Too much about my new layout, as for me I haven't got time to post since my previous one, I went back to school early last Wednesday and spent the entire week playing computer games in the dormitory since we don't have class until Monday(which is now).

Today's the first time in my life that I'm not attending the first day of class. Actually this will probably my last 'first day of class' as I will be graduating sooner. I feel a bit regretful that I actually missed it, but to put things real I'm a person who really hates going to school so it's a win-win situation for me. The reason why I missed the first day class is because I was sick. I'm happy I'm gradually healing, but something bothers me again, my brother followed my path and appears to be on track to get worse before he starts getting better. I pray for his recovery.

I haven't introduced my self yet, or maybe i wouldn't.

bye-"

i already have a blog

this is my first post.:)