March 5, 2015
Uhm… how do I start? This is probably the saddest post I’ve
made so far. But, wait I have to eat so I have to leave the computer for a
while. Ok, it’s done. I don’t have the appetite to eat anything, however I have
to eat because somebody would worry and think I’m not feeling normal(I’ll talk
more on that later)... so I finished it like a champ. Anyways, I’m depressed
right now. I sort of hold it back for a while because I have to commute home
but I decided to be myself and accept that right now I’m sad and there’s
nothing I can do about it. Probably it will take its course maybe? I really don’t
know. To be honest I don’t think it will be that fast and I don’t expect to be
a better person after this. I’m also slumping while typing this and I’m just
thinking I have to stop it and continue it later but I decided to continue
typing because I know I have to share my feelings and emotions and I know that
no matter how hard things are right now all of this will pass by and it’s
worthwhile to share this experience.
I’m obviously sad. The reason why is very typical, but don’t
worry, nobody died or got sick. Imagine fighting for something you think you
have to do and deserve for yourself and in the process giving up everything but
you ended up a loser in the end. It’s probably easy to say just move on or just
like in any sport somebody wins and someone has to lose. The reality is nobody
has to lose, but you lose because destiny does its magic and you have to be
loser no matter what. It’s just difficult to explain but that’s the closest
thing to what I think it is. A constant loss will push someone to doubt about
himself and his capabilities and will put a dent on his ego. It shapes the
personality of that person just like a glacier that slowly erodes the mountain sides
of the Alps; These Mountains, no matter how majestic they appear to be right
now is still a shadow of its former self. There’s no truth about the idea that
challenges will make you grow or teach you to be strong. The way I see it, when
you do something and obviously you have to do it no matter what and you face
heavy obstacles on the way but eventually you succeeded to some degree, you
resign to the fact that that obstacle made you a better person or definitely
smarter. The reality is conquering that obstacle is just your natural reaction
to achieve your goal and it didn’t transform you into a smarter individual, you
planted that idea in your head and by doing so you’re convinced you’re smarter
when in reality nothing has changed. Even if you didn’t encounter that obstacle
you will still be what your former self is, and saying you got something from
that experience is merely comforting yourself that at least you got something
from it and nothing went into waste.
I believe in that because that’s what I experienced and I don’t
want to justify my sad situation right now by saying one day this will make me
a better person blah blah. I know I will still be a better person with or
without this and obviously I prefer things to be in their right order, however
this reality has to be accepted and I have to deal with this for now. Another
thing is about acceptance as well as the acceptance of limits. When faced with
trials in life it’s difficult to accept things and denial is a national sport
for everyone, some even deny to death. However, no matter how hard the problem
is in the end it has to be accepted and if it can’t be done then you have to be
the first to tell to yourself that it’s probably time to give up. Giving up is a
term that most optimists obviously wouldn’t like to hear but to realists like
me, giving up makes sense because everything has its limits and you can’t go on
forever if that forever simply doesn’t exist. You can lie to yourself and
convince yourself to a reality you like to achieve but that can’t be true and
will never be. Reality no matter how bad it is has to be accepted and when it
is time to let go, just let go.
As for me, I’m no longer waiting for divine intervention. But
I’m hopeful that I can help myself go through this endeavor. It is always hard,
it sucks all the energy and the fight left in you but somebody has to do it and
this is my problem and I have to be the one. I cried but as expected it didn’t
change anything. Being at this state of mind is difficult because most of the
time you have nobody to talk to, even a psychologist can’t really help you
other than make suggestions which is useless. Contrary to what most people believe
a person that is depressed or in a state that looks like that wouldn’t want to
talk to anyone or share his or her problems to any curious fellow, mainly
because it just doesn’t change things and it’s very unlikely that that person
can actually help you. They feel alone (which is what I’m feeling right now)
and very helpless. They want to share their problems to anyone but like I said
it’s very unlikely they can help so it wouldn’t make any difference. An ear is
a bit of a relief but it doesn’t really take all the pain away. There’s just no
escape.
