A Meltdown

on Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I had a pretty tough day yesterday, I went for a routine medical checkup which is a frequent prerequisite before having a job. I failed, at least on paper, I had a very high BP reading which is BS since I know about it and I tell you if I totally fail it it's the biggest BS ever in my life. There's a certain stigma i have with these medical requirements thing, I know i'm physically capable but I don't really manifest it when people start testing me. It's like having perfect dancing rehearsals and having a very bad final performance on stage, people just can't explain what went wrong or how to fix it. As for me, every time that ugly strap is wrapped on my arms and starts inflating(if you're familiar with that equipment), i have goosebumps; i can't look at the face of the medical practitioner and my body starts pumping adrenaline like I'm riding a steep roller-coaster ride. After that people start acting crazy, saying it's not safe and almost implying i'm gonna die tomorrow. Little do they know I'm used to it and they're not only making me inconvenient but a little pissed-off with their stupidity. 

Other than that, I was actually happy yesterday. I met my old colleagues, people I've been with the past 4 years in college living in the same dorm and having the same ups and downs. I'm known for being stoical but I've had good and bad memories with them and I value it a lot. It helped me grow and be what I am today. Even their criticisms which most of them actually hurt did help. For me, seeing them is like being on old times. A lot has changed but the feeling is the same. We can't turn back the time like deja vu but being with each other is like 2010 at 2013. I almost forgot I was disappointed, and just waded through the day smiling and acting perfectly normal. Something I thought I should be doing all the time.

Last night, I had no choice but to face the facts about tomorrow. I know it's pretty cloudy for me. Not only it curtails my abilities but it puts a dead end sign on my potentials. It's like being on a race, you're struggling but you keep on going. Until one time your car breaks down and you see other people passing you and you suddenly felt doomed. I felt a strong urge to throw-up but I'm not sure where to go after that. Obviously I can't go find another job and have another medical check-up only to have the same results ever again. What I failed is a basic procedure which means I'm more likely to fail the next time. What hurts the most is that I didn't actually failed, it just went it's own way not the way i like it to be or the way it should be. 

I live another day not crying over spilled milk nor crying over spilling milk. It's the irony of life, sometimes you just want to help somebody(in this case yourself) but you just can't do anything about it for the mean time. Whining doesn't help neither and even if how tempting it is to say 'I love God, and I know He has a plan for me', I refuse to include God on this too. Un-Christian it may seem I don't include the mention of God my failures, I don't want to go down the drain blaming God. I don't have the right to be angry with him for anything, at least I really try not to. 


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