Everything has its limits

March 5, 2015

Uhm… how do I start? This is probably the saddest post I’ve made so far. But, wait I have to eat so I have to leave the computer for a while. Ok, it’s done. I don’t have the appetite to eat anything, however I have to eat because somebody would worry and think I’m not feeling normal(I’ll talk more on that later)... so I finished it like a champ. Anyways, I’m depressed right now. I sort of hold it back for a while because I have to commute home but I decided to be myself and accept that right now I’m sad and there’s nothing I can do about it. Probably it will take its course maybe? I really don’t know. To be honest I don’t think it will be that fast and I don’t expect to be a better person after this. I’m also slumping while typing this and I’m just thinking I have to stop it and continue it later but I decided to continue typing because I know I have to share my feelings and emotions and I know that no matter how hard things are right now all of this will pass by and it’s worthwhile to share this experience.

I’m obviously sad. The reason why is very typical, but don’t worry, nobody died or got sick. Imagine fighting for something you think you have to do and deserve for yourself and in the process giving up everything but you ended up a loser in the end. It’s probably easy to say just move on or just like in any sport somebody wins and someone has to lose. The reality is nobody has to lose, but you lose because destiny does its magic and you have to be loser no matter what. It’s just difficult to explain but that’s the closest thing to what I think it is. A constant loss will push someone to doubt about himself and his capabilities and will put a dent on his ego. It shapes the personality of that person just like a glacier that slowly erodes the mountain sides of the Alps; These Mountains, no matter how majestic they appear to be right now is still a shadow of its former self. There’s no truth about the idea that challenges will make you grow or teach you to be strong. The way I see it, when you do something and obviously you have to do it no matter what and you face heavy obstacles on the way but eventually you succeeded to some degree, you resign to the fact that that obstacle made you a better person or definitely smarter. The reality is conquering that obstacle is just your natural reaction to achieve your goal and it didn’t transform you into a smarter individual, you planted that idea in your head and by doing so you’re convinced you’re smarter when in reality nothing has changed. Even if you didn’t encounter that obstacle you will still be what your former self is, and saying you got something from that experience is merely comforting yourself that at least you got something from it and nothing went into waste.

I believe in that because that’s what I experienced and I don’t want to justify my sad situation right now by saying one day this will make me a better person blah blah. I know I will still be a better person with or without this and obviously I prefer things to be in their right order, however this reality has to be accepted and I have to deal with this for now. Another thing is about acceptance as well as the acceptance of limits. When faced with trials in life it’s difficult to accept things and denial is a national sport for everyone, some even deny to death. However, no matter how hard the problem is in the end it has to be accepted and if it can’t be done then you have to be the first to tell to yourself that it’s probably time to give up. Giving up is a term that most optimists obviously wouldn’t like to hear but to realists like me, giving up makes sense because everything has its limits and you can’t go on forever if that forever simply doesn’t exist. You can lie to yourself and convince yourself to a reality you like to achieve but that can’t be true and will never be. Reality no matter how bad it is has to be accepted and when it is time to let go, just let go.

As for me, I’m no longer waiting for divine intervention. But I’m hopeful that I can help myself go through this endeavor. It is always hard, it sucks all the energy and the fight left in you but somebody has to do it and this is my problem and I have to be the one. I cried but as expected it didn’t change anything. Being at this state of mind is difficult because most of the time you have nobody to talk to, even a psychologist can’t really help you other than make suggestions which is useless. Contrary to what most people believe a person that is depressed or in a state that looks like that wouldn’t want to talk to anyone or share his or her problems to any curious fellow, mainly because it just doesn’t change things and it’s very unlikely that that person can actually help you. They feel alone (which is what I’m feeling right now) and very helpless. They want to share their problems to anyone but like I said it’s very unlikely they can help so it wouldn’t make any difference. An ear is a bit of a relief but it doesn’t really take all the pain away. There’s just no escape.

The Difference between Manila and Cebu

What did I say the last time? Ok, that was sooo long time ago so just forget about it. Ok, so what happened recently… it’s not really recent since that was I think two weeks ago but I got back to Cebu in an instant. I don’t know how it happened but my stay in Manila for some reason was really short and to my surprise I feel like not going back to Cebu at that time. Anyways, I know I have to come back and so I asked mom to buy me a plane ticket home and the next day I was home. Which I obviously thought was a good thing. Manila is still the same, LOL, I’m already used to the stark differences with Manila and Cebu that I can’t differentiate both of them already. I mean not totally but almost. Flying between Cebu and Manila feels a bit old and all the excitement is gone. I almost hate it, but then again it’s just an hour of sitting in a cozy airbus and it’s not that inconvenient. The language difference is already fading away. Tagalog almost sounds like my mother tongue already.

So, I’m trying to come up with an interesting topic to compensate my boring life, so now I’ll be telling you the difference between Manila and Cebu. These are based on my observations only and I’m not trying to say Cebu is the best and Manila is ugly just because I live in Cebu. I’m going to say facts and some unbiased opinion regarding both cities.

First of all, Manila is obviously huge… to be honest I think huge is an understatement because Manila is so huge and no simple adjective can describe it. To the residents of Manila area, the term ‘Manila’ means Manila City but to the residents outside Mega Manila (Metro Manila and bordering provinces) the term Manila simply describes Metro Manila or any contiguous place under the influence of it. For people from Manila it’s probably hard to understand but if you’re in the province and you say to other people you’re going to Cainta or Bacoor people will automatically assume you’re going to Manila. LOL. Ok, I think that’s understandable enough.

Manila or Metro Manila or Mega Manila, whatever term that fits you or simply the Manila area almost has no urban planning and as a result the traffic is chaotic. You may describe it as Los Angeles and Bangkok combined, whatever, but for me the traffic is just bad. Metro Manila’s road network is expansive and some of the roads are really wide but it’s just filled with cars from all sides and people are obviously pissed off with that view especially when you’re in a hurry but the car you’re riding on is not moving. It’s really frustrating but I don’t think being frustrated can help, most of the time people just keep a cool head and wait of the traffic to move on. As for me, since I’m new to the city I feel like a tourist observing everything that is happening around me and I always say to myself... “Well, that’s just how they do it here in Manila”.

Cebu’s traffic problem is different. It’s still there just like any big city but it’s not that bad as the one in Manila. The number of cars at any given time on the road is also smaller. I think it’s because Cebu is an island so you can’t just simply visit Cebu and bring your car with you in case you live outside the province. Most people who drive cars in Cebu are residents themselves. The effect of this is significant, at least 3 million tourists visited Cebu province in 2014 yet Cebu doesn’t suffer the traffic experienced by Baguio City (another tourist city) during the tourist season. Unfortunately, while the numbers of cars using the roads are smaller in number, the roads themselves are also smaller. The roads in Cebu are very narrow compared to cities of its size. Much of it has something to do with geography. Cebu has limited land area, so you have to fit everything in a much smaller area than it would be possible. I also noticed Cebu’s drivers are also less disciplined. Metro Manila’s drivers are also undisciplined but I noticed there are fewer adherences to traffic rules in Manila than in Cebu. Drivers in Cebu swerve lanes more often and people make random stops everywhere. Again people do this in Manila too but in Cebu I can see more of them.

Another obvious difference is the language. Obviously people in Manila speak Tagalog and I can understand them and have a conversation with them very easily. However, not everyone in Manila speaks Tagalog. Manila is like a melting pot of all Filipinos from all parts of the Philippines. You can occasionally hear people speak Cebuano, Hiligaynon, Ilocano, and the list goes on. I don’t think people from Manila really cares, they are probably so used to people from everywhere they no longer bother to ask where you came from or what your mother tongue is. Every time I tell them I’m from Cebu they have this expression in their face that tells me they’re not interested about that information or perhaps ask me a different question regarding myself other than the fact that I’m from Cebu. But if they happen to know something about Cebu they make some follow up questions like how’s this or how’s that, something like that.

In Cebu, language is more of an issue. Cebuanos are good Cebuano speakers(LOL, obviously) and they’re so good at it they don’t bother using any other language other than Cebuano. Tagalog in Cebu is almost unheard of and I probably hear more Cebuano in Manila than Tagalog in Cebu. People just refuse to speak Tagalog that every time you hear someone speak the Tagalog language it is always assumed he/she is a tourist or a visitor from the north. Most Cebuanos are actually good in the language(Tagalog) and they can speak the language very fluently, however they have confidence issues when trying to speak Tagalog or most of the time they just don’t like to use it. Also, if you’re a local in Cebu and you try to speak Tagalog to your friend who knows you’re a local then they’ll try to tease you or ask you what the hell is wrong with you and why are you talking in another language. English, like in Manila, is also the language of preference for business and education and most Cebuanos are really good at it.

One last difference I will describe is the difference in way of life. Manila is a very busy city, it is bustling with economic activity in all corners and people just move around very fast. The whole day is like rush hour and trains and all forms of public transport are full to the brim and in rush hour the situation is much worse. I’m already used to it, but the first time I had that kind of day I feel tired just looking at my schedule. In Manila we have this kind of thing called the MRT, but it’s not the usual MRT where people just ride on it and wait to arrive to the next station. The MRT in Manila is one of the most inefficient mass transit systems I’ve set my foot on. Trains are usually delayed so the line of people can get very long or sometimes there’s just to service at all. When there’s a service interruption people are obviously angry and I can feel their pain because I’ve experienced it myself. During the rush hour the train is so full(which is normal I think), but the waiting time between the trains are really long, sometimes up to 10 minutes, and it obviously doesn’t make the life easier for the commuters.

The way of life in Cebu is the same. Cebu is also a very busy metropolitan city, however unlike in Manila; Cebuanos are relatively more laid back and live simpler lives. There are also fewer commuters but like I said, while there are fewer commuters the number of commuting options are also significantly less. Let me tell you this, unlike in Manila, Cebu doesn’t have a mass transit system. There is one BRT line under construction but it’s not operational at least until 2018. The number of PUVs also plying the roads is also significantly less to handle the rush hour commuter traffic so waiting for a PUV can take a lot of time during rush hours. The traffic is really bad as well; the good thing though is the distance travelled by most commuters is also significantly less since Metro Cebu has a smaller urban footprint than Metro Manila.

Just Bored

January 27, 2015

It was a long time since I last wrote in this thing; there’s nothing really special to write anyways. Life is really boring at this point and I’ve done nothing other than sit the whole day and play clash of clans and even that is getting old. Doing nothing the whole day and even the whole week is relaxing at start but it can get pretty old easily especially if you always have this feeling that you’re waiting for something to happen. It’s not actually the anxiety but it’s the feeling of not having the control of anything that kills you. Anxiety is normal but that depends on how you handle it. I’ve been good in handling my own anxiety problems recently, though it’s far from perfect but I’ve been better.

The house has never been the same. I don’t know if it is just me and my perception changed or the environment itself has changed. I think it’s both, the recent days I haven’t talked that much and I have no intention either. I feel so bored and I honestly don’t know what to do once the internet is gone, but I know I can find a way. A letter was delivered yesterday that says we have to pay our balance to the telecom company that gives us internet or else they will cut our connection. Not funny but I think it’s the least of my concern as of now.

Next week I’m probably going back to Manila. I don’t like it, I hate that place and that’s probably the last on my list of places I want to visit. Anyways, I don’t have a choice it’s basically do or die and I have to be there. I just think of it as a task that I have to do and try to get things finished as fast as I can and try so hard not to get frustrated on anything. In fact I got tired of thinking of so many things that perhaps my brain just stopped worrying about what may happen in the future. I hate the future so much, why do humans have to worry about it and why do we kill ourselves now just to accomplish everything that we may not live to see? Anyways, as usual I don’t have a choice and whether I like it or not, I’m going back to Manila.

Obviously mom is not so happy about it. I hope she understands as well as dad but I know they don’t. I just pray that they will eventually know about my suffering just to get this through. Not that I want them to suffer but I want them to realize that I make a lot of sacrifices too. Every time I get upset I just let it pass through and I don’t take so much notice of it. Eventually things generally subside and go back to normal. As of now, no more drama like what I did a few weeks back. I don’t like that and I hope I don’t do it again.

What else, I was trying to find a lost document but I really lost it and obviously I have to get a new one. It’s really important and I know I’ll be having a hard time finding a new one for sure. I’m not so happy about it but again I just have to do it. L

Back to Cebu!

I have good news and bad news. The good news is I’m back to Cebu; my one and only hometown. I don’t want to be ‘anywhere else’ other than here; except New Zealand, Melbourne, Singapore, and yes Sydney of course, I love that place too... Ok, just forget about it. The bad news is I’m back to Cebu; I’ll talk more about that later.

Before I start describing my experience in the imperial metropolis of Metro Manila, I want to tell you that my mood right now is not the same as it was before. I’m suffering from mild depression but generally I’m Ok, just very sad in so many levels. I want to tell you about it but it’s just so hard to explain and to be honest I don’t even understand how things happen in my life. I just let it happen because I’m tired of thinking about it. I know it’s still worth living, but I’m just tired about life and almost all the time I just want to take a break and rest and call it a day even if nothing worthwhile happened that day. There are even times when I just stop in the middle of the road and cry in my mind and sometimes pray that things can get better. Thank God there are so many things to be thankful for so I’m not thinking about it anymore. Like I said I’m just tired and that’s all I can say.

Ok, so back to my story. On my way to Manila, due to some mere coincidence I have the same flight with my aunt. She has a house in Caloocan and she visits it often since it is under renovation right now. She has two bags (obviously more than the 7 kilos limit), but what is really surprising is what is inside those bags. A bottle of vinegar, some baby shrimps with very strong and foul odor, and goats head? I don’t know. I seriously don’t have any idea what are the rest but it’s just super nasty. She knows there is a big chance it’s not going anywhere (like seriously it’s an airport what do you expect?), but she still persevered and said maybe it will be ok. It turns out far from ok and of course the airport security didn’t allow it to pass through and she asked me to bring it back to her husband waiting outside the airport. On my way out was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Bringing that foul smelling plastic bag filled with everything with everyone looking at me is just unbearable and that wasn’t even my fault!

When we arrived in Manila I got picked up by my cousin who also lives in Caloocan. He brought me to the place where I’m staying. The place was generally ok, it’s very close to the city but I definitely don’t want to live there. The neighborhood was semi-slum and there are so many people and zero privacy. I’m staying in my aunt’s place, it’s a two story house but someone else occupies the lower floors and worse they share a communal bathroom/toilet! And their neighbor living downstairs is not that friendly either. Their house is very small and I can’t figure out how they managed to survive living there all these years assuming that when my cousins are younger all of them like the whole family lives there! So weird.

So, in their house they have three very stupid dogs. I forgot the names and I’m not interested either. They are extremely stupid and perhaps the most stupid dog I’ve ever met. They bark like crazy but very lazy and coward at the same time. The first time we met they hated me so much which was normal but they seem to have amnesia all the time and bark at me the second time we met, then the third, then the fourth, they just bark all the time. They see me as a stranger even if we see each other every day. If I compare it to our dog, even if we haven’t met for a year they will still recognize me and see me as a family.

On my second day in Manila nothing happened, they have this weird catholic celebration where they guide a statue on the small streets of manila while followers literally on the millions go with the statue with the hope that it will bring them good luck. Because I’m not catholic, I find it weird. Their pope is in the country too, I’ll talk about that later but all I can say is I like their pope and I think he’s a good man.

On the third day I was renewing my passport, no big deal, they just have to keep us waiting for 6 hours to have the entire process done. I was so sleepy all the time but luckily the weather was good and I wasn’t that bored. Processing everything in this third world country takes a long time. I don’t really understand why they have this weird cut-off thing where they only accept 200 applications a day when there are 100 million people in this overpopulated country. Seriously, where’s the logic? They should’ve figured a different way of doing things to accommodate so many Filipinos who want that small maroon book.

On Sunday that week we went to Caloocan City where another aunt lives. It’s like a slum and there are so many people everywhere. I don’t like the environment there and I don’t want anywhere near there either. Apparently, my aunt (the other one) wants me to be there for whatever reason she has. I don’t think I have a place to sleep on that place and honestly I prefer dealing with the stupid dogs on the place I was staying(It’s in Legarda in the city of Manila I think) rather than stay on that place. There are a bunch of weirdos there too. But I’m honestly grateful for their hospitality; I just don’t understand how people can be stupid while drunk. What happened is since I can’t be drunk I have to deal with drunken people while I’m very sober. Hearing them talk makes me want to puke, I mean not really puke, it’s just that I even doubt if they still remember how stupid they were when they are already sober. I’ve tried being drunk a lot, but I can’t remember doing or saying really stupid things. Honestly, not even in my lifetime.

The next day, I went to this clinic to have my drug and alcohol test done. It was a very normal procedure but I don’t like the clinic, I don’t like any clinics actually… they make want to go somewhere else that is more serene and ‘normal’ rather than see needles and medical people in masks doing rather random stuffs on people’s bodies to determine if they’re still normal. It’s not a very ‘normal’ place for me. But the whole thing is over in half a day and all I did was wait for the result which thanks god everything is fine.

After I reported back to the office I heard a very bad news. I have to wait for my passport delivered to have all my errands done and go back to Cebu and wait for my departure date. When I say departure date I meant the time when I leave this country and go somewhere else and work. Honestly I don’t even think all my errands will be over in the future. When something’s finished a new one emerges and much worse. Like I said earlier it stresses me too much that I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. I’m so tired, not physically but mentally. Anyways, I think that’s just the way life is.

For my flight back to Cebu, I bought a ticket worth 4000 pesos! It’s the most expensive ticket I’ve ever bought for myself and I can’t really remember why I bought that one. All I remember is I was desperate to go back to Cebu in time before everything goes so expensive.

 I was happy to be back in Cebu, everything is just the way it is but so different from Manila. The differences are obvious and I really feel at home in here. Unfortunately, my mom is not too happy about it. I don’t understand what the deal with her is. I don’t understand why she hates me for something I don’t have control with. I think she’s pretty upset about me being reliant to her meager resources and not doing enough based on her stupid standards. My mom is super moody but very predictable, I know what her problem is and I know what upsets her. I’m not saying I don’t know everything, in fact I know everything about her and dad and her stupid mood swings and what causes it, I just don’t know what’s wrong with it and why she’s so upset of so many stuffs that I find simple and easy. It’s hard to explain! L I know she’s working hard for her family which is us and I value that but everything she does has a feeling that it is forced on her and I don’t feel her love all the time. I don’t really feel so much affection to her or dad. It’s just too synthetic and plastic if I do, I’m more like a robot to them and they’re more like a robot to me. Sorry, I hope I don’t make it sound so rude but that’s really what I’m feeling right now. I appreciate their support, it’s just that I don’t feel like they are doing it because they want to; rather they do it because they have to. It’s like they are forced to do it just like how everything happens in this family. Anyways, Thanks for that! This family is a very bad example and I don’t want my future family to be like this one. This is a very bad example.

Off to MNL

January 7, 2015

Ok, I’m going to Manila. My flight will be at 3 in the morning tomorrow so that means I have to be in the airport before one so the airplane won’t leave without me. My flight ticket is cheap but it gave mom a hard time because apparently she doesn’t have the money to buy anything. The situation is pretty tight but it has always been like that. Who would’ve thought somebody will be having a hard time booking a LCC ticket? Well, that’s life and she and dad argued so much because of that! I feel sorry for them, but I know it’s not about me; it’s more about their deeply rooted problem that is technically unsolvable because of their respective prides.

Anyways, I completely moved on from my last drama. Ok, not really but I’m more worried about what I should do when I arrive there or something. I know I shouldn’t fear but I just have these lingering thoughts in my head about how things will turn out to be. However, on the good side I know that no matter how hard things can become I know I can handle it or I’ll find a way around it… stay focused! Ok, enough of those anxious thoughts. So, when I arrive there I’ll be staying at my aunt’s place. My brother described how it looks like and how to get there and it appears like it shouldn’t be a problem since my uncle will pick me up in the airport. Their place is not in a very cool location but very close to the city, so let’s see how it turns out.

This is the first time I’m going to Manila and do something on my own. The last time I’m going to that place there is someone directing me where to go or there’s someone with me whom I usually can rely on. Now things have changed and it appears like I have to start being independent already. Manila is a scary place to be, it’s a very big place but not really a place you can’t get used to. But it can be a headache if you don’t know where to go or you’re asked to go somewhere you haven’t been before and I think I’ll be doing that so we’ll see. Hopefully God doesn’t put me in a very precarious situation.

For some reason my scheduled arrival in Manila coincides with the Papal visit and the Nazarene thingy. It’s bad and I know there will be so many people in the streets which can make things harder for me to go around the metropolitan city. To make things worse there’s a plan to make the papal visit a week long holiday. I hope that doesn’t happen because it can definitely cause so much delay for sure.

Ok, I think that’s all I can say. Wish me luck :D

Welcome to my 2015!

Happy 2015!

Ok, the last time I wrote to this crappy thing was something like 2 years ago and I tried rereading everything to see it like a ‘throwback’ or something but it doesn’t work. It’s ridiculous! I sounded like a teenager rather than a grown up man on that. I literally wrote so many unnecessary thoughts which are wrong in the first place. I mean the thoughts are just wrong and I wrote it to be read(by me of course) just to realize how stupid and childish I was before. Fortunately, I have a new year’s resolution, well not really but I figured something I will implement all my life and that is not to regret something that happened in the past if that made me happy at some point. In that case sharing my stupid thoughts at that time made me happy and somewhat stronger so I don’t regret that, but I have the right to criticize myself before and it is indeed ridiculous. like seriously I do that before? Well, I think that’s a good thing, it means I grew right?

Today is different, well not really, for some reason I resorted back to writing this pathetic ‘letters to no one’ because for the same reason I had before I have no one to share my important thoughts right now and not only that, I want to record it when it is still fresh in my mind. It’s like reporting the news right after the event happened and for that reason the facts are less distorted.

How do I start, Ok two days from now I’m going to Manila to do some errands for someone. It’s hard to explain but as you can see I’m in a big scheme of things. Imagine the life of a secret agent on an undercover spy movie, I’m not the undercover agent of course, I’m the friend of the undercover agent. If you don’t understand I was actually trying to imply something or someone of less importance than the main characters on the movie. I feel so down and unimportant sometimes that I think I’m not the main character even in my own life story. Ok fine, I know I am and I have to think that I’m the one. To cut the chase I’ve been thinking so many things in my mind in the past months that my mind exploded and sent all the memories everywhere out and left some stuffs inside it and I think it’s for the good. Haha. Life is tough and yes it’s tough and there’s no other word I could describe it. The problem is no matter how tough it is I don’t have someone to share my thoughts to, and no intention either, everybody is just busy with their own life and I don’t want to bother anyone.

Let me describe you how I handle my problems. Before I start talking, I just want to remind everyone that I know what a ‘problem’ is and when I say problem it really means problem and not just some random thoughts that is not even a problem. I’m a very stoic and rational individual and unless I find sense on something I usually disregard it as stupid and that includes thoughts and worries in my head that doesn’t make any sense. More importantly I don’t cry (I talk more on that later), I find it disturbing because it doesn’t make any difference and I doubt if it will solve any problem. Like, crying? How is that a solution into anything? Unfortunately, because of some weird circumstances(I said earlier I’m not in control of things) I cried and not the usual mini tears in the bathroom which I do to express my sadness in some severe circumstance but I cried in front of my dad. I hate myself so much for doing that. Not only that I showed my weakness but I showed how weak I am in things I already knew. I hope I don’t sound so anti-weak and stoic right now, but I believe in the strength in anyone who faces problems in life. Like, come on, man up and do something about it. I think that’s my stand on that.

Ok, I did mention I cried in front of my dad. That’s bad and ridiculous, but I already moved on and I’m not thinking about it anymore. I also realized some good aspects of dad that I wish to emulate. First of all, I never think there’s any good aspect in dad because he’s a very stubborn person and always is. However, dad’s resilience is one of the greatest I’ve ever seen for any person of his type. Well, not really but he’s really resilient and almost stoic despite all the bad things that happened. I don’t know where he got it and I don’t even think he realizes that. I just think it’s a good attitude I want to implement that on myself and I know I will. Ok, enough said.

One more thing, I texted her just this time and she’s the only person that knows my bad experiences right now. It’s not such a big deal but it really relaxes my load a bit. The fact there’s someone who understands what I’ve been through right now though unfortunately I can’t really share my problems with her. I don’t think it can make a difference and I just told her it’s nothing really serious so that she won’t think outside the box and worry about anything.

What else can I say? I’ve read some blogs just recently and I won’t disclose what it is all about but it is indeed about a person’s strive on something no matter what happens. I already stopped reading it but only now I remember its implications in my life. I don’t think there’s anything that I experienced already that can still move me from where I’m sitting right now. Ok, that’s obviously a metaphor because I’m obviously sitting in a computer chair and that’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is that no challenges on the magnitude of everything I already experienced can give me goosebumps like the way I experienced everything the first time. But I’m not putting my guards down I know life continues and it can be really nasty but at least I already have the idea what’s going on and how to handle it better. Sooner or later things will be better and all of this will be a memory. Obviously, not a very good one. lol

PS: I reread everything from supernumerous and I enjoyed it. I don’t think my writing is really that bad. It’s reasonably good and justified. I actually think this letter is the bad one. lol

Some Notes of the Past:)

I forgot to post this one last last year. Kind'a late already but all of these are worth posting.

January 19, 2013

Ok, How about writing a blog recalling everything that happened yesterday? I started making resolutions on myself since January the 1^st; I don’t want to call them ‘New Year’s Resolutions’ just like everybody does because I know Resolutions done on January the 1^st are history weeks later. I’d rather have them as sort of goals but not actually a list of what I should be or what has to be done. Despite my relatively relaxed resolutions and a relaxed state of being, I was able to make progress; I completely eliminated some nuisances on my head which are products of over-anxiety, I improved my way of thinking on how things run or how they are done, I think my decision making skills are better, and over-all my emotions are less volatile. I’m not going to enumerate everything from the start to finish or how they did happen, what’s important is they did happen and as much as my resolutions are concerned a lot still has to be done.

As for today, I had my first meet-up with a girl my friend introduced me. My friend was trying to be a matchmaker but ended up in failure. The girl’s name was Blaise, spelled like ‘Blaise Pascal’ I think, and I didn’t get her family name. At first I thought it was going as it should be, but it ended up Blaise was more interested on her iPhone than the people around her. There was this feeling of ugly awkward silence in our table when the three of us are sitting together. I think she wasn’t interested in meeting other people or if she does then she’s not interested in me. I think the latter is the most probable cause in this case. Her silence was contagious, when only me and my friend is present and we meet up I talk like crazy and I laugh a lot. But when Blaise was there I suddenly dried up of something to say and I ended up just like myself years ago. I don’t have to describe myself years ago, it’s ugly and acutely introvert. Anyways, I count it to experience and I really hope the rest of my future meet-ups won’t be a failure like what happened yesterday. Anyways, I have nothing to lose and I don’t mind failing and going all over again.

After that terrible meet up we went to Mango square and drink a few shots of tequila and some beer before we got inside a disco bar, a sequence we always do when we go to that place. This time is very different, I haven’t seen the place before as crowded as it was this time. There are so many people and tables are put almost on the road to accommodate all the party-goers. The disco place was even worse and you almost can’t move your hand and feet, how much more dance. As the alcohol seep in on my system, I started thinking ridiculous. I’m not going to narrate exactly what I thought that time, it’s not important anyways. It happens all the time and it took me quite long before I realized I was on the influence of alcohol and I can’t even think straight. I also swear I’m not crossing highway again when I’m tipsy, it almost got me into trouble or worse injure me.

PS: I am not a damn writer

January 21, 2013

iamnotadamnwriter

The Sinulog celebration was finally over. The parade, street dance, crowd, beer, and extravagant displays aren’t new to me. However, this year’s celebration is unique in a way that I experienced everything on first hand. Before, I only heard about the street dances on radios, fireworks on television, and the extreme density of people on streets from secondhand talk from friends of friends. Perhaps, since this will be my last Sinulog celebration as a College student, this will be one of my most memorable too. I’m not an outgoing person, at least that’s how I see myself, and I’m not accustomed to full day schedules of walking from one place to another. It was tiring, exhausting, and sometimes the extremely dense crowd can be frustrating. But we enjoyed everything nonetheless.

The first night was spent at the same place we always go when we feel like drinking and dancing and yes its name resembles that of a fruit which is also the name of the street it is in. It was a usual night but the number of people present on the venue was unbelievable. It was the first time I saw the place that full. The disco bar itself is so full of people you can’t barely move any part of your body except your head. Despite that many people still enjoyed the music, and struggled to dance. The pushing of the passing people annoys me a lot and oftentimes I go outside to have some fresh air. I had some brief lapses that night, but I easily remembered that I’m drunk and I’m not acting nor thinking normally.

The next day, I went to SM to see the fireworks. They had these so-called mini pyro-Olympics that drew so many people I haven’t seen the mall that crowded before. I remember comparing it to a disco bar with so much people you feel like bumping other people if you walk faster than normal. I went with my mom, my younger sister, younger brother, and my older brother. To my surprise, I saw some of my friends from high school. They did remind me of something that if you lose something today don’t expect it to automatically reappear the other day. Yes, I was referring to the friendship I lost because I was to insensitive and I didn’t see any importance of it before. But, hey I was young at that time and it’s not my fault I have bad self-perceptions and low self-esteem I allow myself to be eaten and overwhelmed by everything that is happening around me. Anyways, too much explanation, I saw them and I was with them. Being out-of-place is something that should be expected of course. I have one word to describe the fireworks, they are amazing.

The day of the celebration we walked some kilometers, and that’s just the easy part of it. We joined the crowd of extreme density there’s so much pushing and sweat(it was a hot day). We were able to walk by the avenue and see some of the good floats with some local artists on it. Not to my surprise, they are just normal people and sometimes somebody has to point the celebrity for me to realize they are actually celebrities. I’m not a fan of the national television and I’m not updated with the current shows so I may not know all of them most of the time.  The night of that day, we went to Ayala Terraces to see their costly fireworks, only to be disappointed it wasn’t as good as the past years though it lasted longer than the ones we saw in SM. After going to Ayala we joined the crowd on our way back to Mango Avenue only to find out it was filled with so much people. The crowd in mango avenue is so dense it reminds me of the disco bar the other night when you can’t move any part of your body except your head. After some discussions we were able to find a table and settled down to drinking. It was fantastic, and over all everything was perfect and just the way it should be.

PS: I am not a damn writer

January 23, 2013

Iamnotadamnwriter

Today, we had a meeting with the CEO of our company’s local branch. It was just a normal meeting but what’s funny is that everybody expected it to be different. At least most of us expected a bad news that turned out to be just a reminder. Like who would expect our CEO would fly hundreds of kilometers from the capital just to talk to us? Yet, he did. Prior to this meeting, the previous meetings we’re all disasters. In every meeting, there’s bad news that has to be absorbed by us. When we finally had enough and expected another one today, it turned out to just a simple talk that barely lasted 30 minutes.

I can’t say if I’m one of those who actually expected for a bad news. But, I can say I’m one of those who finally had enough hearing bad news every now and then and finally expected something bad this time. Our company which sponsored our schooling in here is struggling. It has been for five years now and will probably continue on struggling for more years to come. Its economics, our company and so are the rest of the world enjoyed its boom prior to 2007. Now everything is bust, and so are the banks which our company probably still owes millions of dollars. Well, that’s life. Sometimes we overdo ourselves and only find out what’s wrong or what has been wrong when we’re broke. I’m not only referring to being broke financially but also in life. We sometimes forget things and take all for granted and later realize that we passed everything out and we’re broke. Based on experience, I can say it’s terribly ugly.

January 28, 2013

Iamnotadamnwriter

Today’s my younger brother’s birthday. Happy Birthday to him and I can’t wait to see him grow and be proud of him. He’s my closest sibling so far, practically because he’s the only one I can easily go along with. He has a good and passive attitude that you can easily manipulate for the good and one of the best characteristics I can see in him is that he shows respect to me and to others without hesitation. His biggest achievement so far is his admittance to Philippines Science High School. It’s a school only a few could dream of and I have to admit I was really shocked by his admittance to that school not because I underestimate him but because it’s a feat I can’t do when I was his age. He’s my brother, and I’m sure he’s a good one.

Before the start of the weekend we went somewhere for Friday night. It was a good experience, nothing new but nothing not worth recording in my memory bank. The place which we always go to partying surprising wasn’t full of people, but we enjoyed ourselves too much you can’t mind the empty spaces around you. It’s like dancing alone on the dance floor with all the lights yet you don’t feel alone. The atmosphere tells it all, it wasn’t a normal Friday night. That night I realized how good it is to have a sit with your friends and drink; drinking spices up the conversation. Being with the people I had during that night was a lot effortless. I’m introverted, so most of the time I had to prop-up effort to try to be talkative sometimes making me feel awkward. That happens a lot, especially when I meet new people, but my classmates which I had that night were my classmates since 1^st year college. We lived on the same dormitory and study on the same classroom 24/7. I can’t be awkward with them already, not this time. So, basically I was full of myself that night. Everything was going on smoothly and effortless.

Yesterday, which was Sunday, my mom prepared modest food for my brother’s birthday celebration. His birthday is today but we had it celebrated yesterday to take advantage of the fact that we’re complete. My mom cooked some spaghetti which ubiquitously tastes the same forever. She also bought a cake on Red Ribbon similar to the one my sister bought for herself during her birthday last December. I had a good weekend overall.

PS: I am not a damn writer.

February 3, 2013

Iamnotadamnwriter

Good Morning. I have to say today’s a pleasant Sunday morning. No sunshine but it’s cool and silent; it pays to be at home during weekends. It feels good to wake up early in the morning while everybody’s still asleep and you hear the distant call of the church nearby and the people outside walking briskly to attend their errands. Those scenes are refreshing for me. A year ago, when I was on the ship I’m always nostalgic about these kinds of events.

I didn’t have the guts to write anything that happened for this week, either there’s nothing worth talking about or maybe I’m just too lazy to write anything at all. Probably it’s the former; I can’t see anything special that happened this week. Classes were boring and we always try our best to skip it as much as possible. The teachers were demanding but I don’t think they still have something to hold on us. Our grades are only credited for graduation until midterm so it’s safe to skip classes from now on. But, I’m not planning to do that, not unless the Wi-Fi in the classroom would be gone at least I still have a reason why I should go to class.

It’s not worth mentioning, but one of my colleagues which is my classmate sent his ridiculous behavior to the stratosphere last Tuesday. He has always been demanding like a king, but last Tuesday he put that to the limit or shall I say to the limit of what we can absorb. I was really pissed off at that time and I can say the people around me and the people around him were also pissed off of what he did. But as always we moved on, but I’ll never forget what he did. I don’t think it’s a good attitude to mess up with other people just to get what we want. Sometimes we have to sensitive to other people also. The person I’m talking about is intelligent and I know he understands everything even if we don’t confront him and tell him what we feel. He can get it by himself, but the question is will he be willing to change for the good?

PS: I am not a damn writer.

February 16, 2012

Iamnotadamnwriter

When was the last time I wrote something? Yes, it’s the first week of February then and from that time till now I didn’t have the interest of an output. It was a long 2 weeks since my last post and a lot of things happened during that time span. I had my first date and I made a lot of realizations in life which as of this time no longer matter. I’ll tell you about my first date. She’s one of my best friends and she returned a book that I don’t own. At first it takes a lot of courage to actually date a girl. I’m an introvert type but out of a sudden I became talkative in front of her. The sense of awkwardness was still there but it was eventually overcome by happiness. I always like doing it and after that moment I waited for the perfect timing that I could sense that she’s willing to meet me again. To be honest I have a very low self-esteem at the very moment, and I always consider myself of inferior quality from others. Anyways that is about to change as the year progressed, I planned a way out of it. I never had confidence on myself; eventually I succeeded and now it’s up to me to make a move on how I will maneuver it.

Life is full of swings, sometimes it brings you at an instance where you’re very happy and everything’s doing well and nothing could be wrong. But sometimes it shows you how cruel reality is. I experienced both extremes the past weeks; I felt rejected, accepted, happy, melancholic, full of chance, and hopeless. Despite everything, our life is our choice and how we live it depends on how we bring ourselves despite the odds in front of us. It’s easy to think positive, but doing it is a challenge. On the other hand, it’s far easier to think negative and resort to quitting lessening your losses. A good life is not for quitters, how I understood it brings me to the fact that life is a cocktail of ingredients that makes it exciting at the same time disappointing. The exciting part is just the positive part and the disappointing side is the negative one some people are having a hard time adjusting.

As of now, I’m at the toughest moment in my life. I see it as a breaking point and if I can’t tread over this, then all my resolutions I made since the start of this year will go on to waste. I chose to change my entire being out of a need; we all know that our life revolves around us, but the world doesn’t. We have to make structural changes within ourselves to make us more able to swim through the odds of the future. I know it’s a tough job but we never know what may come, and the only way to know it is to try it.

PS: iamnotadamnwriter

The Dilemma of a Newly Graduated (iamnotadamnwriter)

I am not a gifted writer, but that doesn’t stop me from sharing my views on this matter since sooner or later I would experience the same thing. A month from now I’ll be on stage wearing my gala and having my farewell not only on my college life but my life as a student as a whole. It was a rough ride I could say, but that’s just the easy part of it. In the lifespan of an average human, nothing beats the experience of being a student. Your childhood revolves around it and so does your memories of being a teenager which some considers being the best part of being young. I say it’s a turning point, it is a period of rapid change in our body and interests shifting away from being childish to a more advance stage but not without insecurities. The teenage years are bubbly, but not necessarily a justified one. Being a teenager we don’t think like an adult but is expected to act like one. As a result we end up losing ourselves and not turning up to be someone which others expected us to be like.

The cheesy teenage years ran fruitful of experience but ended fast. As we enter the last stage of our schooling we start to realize the realities of life. When we start having difficulties we’re shown the glimpse of being out of our comfort zone without necessarily being out of it. Our comfort zone is our personal shelter; though there’s no clear definition of it most of us can simply describe it rather than define it. Since childhood most of us are at our comfort zone, when we grow up somehow we have to move away from it just like a cub separating from the protection of his mother.

Life is a cruel one but not exact unlivable. Doing it one step at a time you’d realize at the end of the road that there’s something done rather that resort to quitting and not finishing anything. As of now I’m close to the end of my journey as a student. But it’s not a sweet one, like my fellow graduates I’m about to enter a world new and unknown to my instincts. I don’t know what’s in there, though I have an idea from other people’s past experiences, I don’t know what’s in store for me. The only way of knowing it perhaps is to try it myself.

The first thing in mind that comes out of a graduating student is a job. Full or part-time, a job is an utmost need of a person. Unfortunately, I graduated at one of the worst period of the business cycle. Bad business means fewer jobs. On my situation, our company or shall I say my future employer that paid my college years as a scholar is struggling at home. Europe is on the verge of collapsing and that’s not an exaggeration. Most people just don’t want to talk about economics but somehow it’s unavoidable, whether you like it or not it affects you as much as it affects everyone. The bad economic climate in Europe, paired with crushing debt made by individuals, businesses, and governments, is an explosive cocktail that sends ripples around the globe despite the fact that the recession ended almost 3 years ago.

Me and my fellow scholars we’re reminded about this fact just this day when our company training officer went here from manila to brief us on our future. Though he’s not saying the company is giving us up, he’s saying there’s a rough time ahead and we have to make some sacrifices for the mean time. For how long remains a question mark, the outlook of the global economy in which our sector shipping is very sensitive remains bleak. Everyday companies are bleeding cash and losing and resort to downsizing and austerity measures. That means less opportunities and jobs for people in my sector.

On the local economy, the Philippines just recently became one of the new tigers of Asia. It’s economy expanded by the second highest rate in Asia after China. Buildings and developments are sprouting everywhere and the boom lead by BPO’s and real estate is putting the economy on a feeding frenzy. I don’t know where the cash came from, the Philippines is a poor country and high revenue from OFW remittances can’t be justified by the weak job markets abroad. On the positive side, inflation is under control and people have more money to spend. At least that’s what the government says.

Being a jobseeker in the in the local economy is challenging but not necessarily a hard one. Still the outlook remains bleak for the rest of the economy. Perhaps it’s not only the negative effects of being born in a third world country but also

A Short Story

I came across a lot of reading and I'm sharing this short story I've read a while ago.

A boy grew up not getting everything he wanted in life. He tried to get along with it in the worst way possible. He started to get negative on everything; blaming God, the society he lives in; and everything he can lay his blame on. He started writing but ended up trashing his work when the start and ending of his novel didn't match, what started like a good story ended up messy and sad in the ending. He always wonder what's wrong but didn't have the intellect to understand everything. He expects everything but ended up not having even one single thing. He loves reading books and one time he came across facts but didn't fully comprehend them well. Friends and foes come and go all the time, but  he ended up not knowing  the difference between both. One day events started to unfold in the worst scenario possible, he started to break down but was caught in a crossfire and a standstill. Only then he realized what was going on. Too focused on his ill-knowledge on things and basing his frail judgment on his ill-equipped opinions and other people's, he felt extremely stupid. He realized nothing was consistent, true, and right all along. He started to inevitably change his ways whether he likes it or not but it turns out to be too late. Unable to forgive himself to what he has done, he resorted back to depression but unable to because he knows it doesn't make any sense. By this time he already knows better. He remembers the painful yesterday and realizes that past is past and decided to let go. He lived not worrying about what other people's impression on him is and continued moving on. Years later he's in a better position that he once had, he didn't became someone his wildest dreams dream on long time ago but he had been better ever since.

Lesson:
-A lot has changed and is changing for the boy but maybe it's too late for the immediate results.
-History knows its own destiny. We can't live on the past.
-You're not what you appear to be.
-Change is paramount for survival.

A Meltdown

I had a pretty tough day yesterday, I went for a routine medical checkup which is a frequent prerequisite before having a job. I failed, at least on paper, I had a very high BP reading which is BS since I know about it and I tell you if I totally fail it it's the biggest BS ever in my life. There's a certain stigma i have with these medical requirements thing, I know i'm physically capable but I don't really manifest it when people start testing me. It's like having perfect dancing rehearsals and having a very bad final performance on stage, people just can't explain what went wrong or how to fix it. As for me, every time that ugly strap is wrapped on my arms and starts inflating(if you're familiar with that equipment), i have goosebumps; i can't look at the face of the medical practitioner and my body starts pumping adrenaline like I'm riding a steep roller-coaster ride. After that people start acting crazy, saying it's not safe and almost implying i'm gonna die tomorrow. Little do they know I'm used to it and they're not only making me inconvenient but a little pissed-off with their stupidity. 

Other than that, I was actually happy yesterday. I met my old colleagues, people I've been with the past 4 years in college living in the same dorm and having the same ups and downs. I'm known for being stoical but I've had good and bad memories with them and I value it a lot. It helped me grow and be what I am today. Even their criticisms which most of them actually hurt did help. For me, seeing them is like being on old times. A lot has changed but the feeling is the same. We can't turn back the time like deja vu but being with each other is like 2010 at 2013. I almost forgot I was disappointed, and just waded through the day smiling and acting perfectly normal. Something I thought I should be doing all the time.

Last night, I had no choice but to face the facts about tomorrow. I know it's pretty cloudy for me. Not only it curtails my abilities but it puts a dead end sign on my potentials. It's like being on a race, you're struggling but you keep on going. Until one time your car breaks down and you see other people passing you and you suddenly felt doomed. I felt a strong urge to throw-up but I'm not sure where to go after that. Obviously I can't go find another job and have another medical check-up only to have the same results ever again. What I failed is a basic procedure which means I'm more likely to fail the next time. What hurts the most is that I didn't actually failed, it just went it's own way not the way i like it to be or the way it should be. 

I live another day not crying over spilled milk nor crying over spilling milk. It's the irony of life, sometimes you just want to help somebody(in this case yourself) but you just can't do anything about it for the mean time. Whining doesn't help neither and even if how tempting it is to say 'I love God, and I know He has a plan for me', I refuse to include God on this too. Un-Christian it may seem I don't include the mention of God my failures, I don't want to go down the drain blaming God. I don't have the right to be angry with him for anything, at least I really try not to. 

Hello 2013

2012, what a long year it was. I can still remember myself welcoming the first minutes of 2012 in the coast of Sydney, Australia a year ago. Now it's 2013 and the only difference is that I had the chance to be at home this time. Well, the celebration at home is a modest one. No special food, nor visitors, but the important thing is we're together, and of course for us to be all together even in a short period of time is priceless. I just can't determine if it will be the same the next year or the year after that. I know time change and the next year might be a more exciting one or somewhat lesser, I just can't tell. I maximized my efforts for this year; I even bought fireworks to make the first minutes of 2013 more exciting. I somewhat failed on that aspect, there was less noise and by the look of it only us in our neighborhood actually had fireworks. It's a failure and a terrible waste of money. Anyways, I din't regret on that. I can see mom's efforts too to make the best out of every coin she spends, much of it had gone to food preparations. Overall, the New Year eve's celebration as well as the preceding Christmas Eve was a happy success, something I'll always remember as an ultimate part of my life as far as my memory is concerned.

New Year's Resolutions? Luckily, I don't have one. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions actually, as far as efficiency is concerned if you're really serious about changing you should have change whatever it is that has to be changed long time ago. You don't have to wait for New Year's day for anything. I have some lapses, mainly on my attitude and my behavior, that I wish to change but I don't call it a resolution. I've been working on it for a long time, but I got a big determination for a change when I realized this is a new year for me. I'm a bit wary about this year. I don't think I'll be in good condition most of the time, but hey there's still a chance I'll be reading this post the next year the same day and I realize it wasn't that bad as I previously predicted, isn't it? I had my fingers crossed for this year. I had high hopes on myself as well as on my future, I hope I wont disappoint myself a lot. As for me, I have a special meaning of the word disappointment, so I don't think I would be disappointing myself.